Monday, March 31, 2008

Aldous and Infant Sorrow are Douches

I JUST read a tabloid interview with Aldous of the cheeseball Infant Sorrow. Apparently he and Sarah met about a year ago, and ever since then they have been in love. WTF? Sarah and I broke up just a few weeks ago, how is that possible?

You know if they’re together that totally makes sense. They’re both cheeseball douchebags. They can go to the grocery store together and get pictured in “celebrities, they’re just like us.” Hopefully he’ll knock her up and leave her high and dry with a long haired sexually vague child named Haven or Ryder or whatever. I wish them all the best. I really do. They deserve each other’s hypocrisies and bs. I’m actually happy it happened. It’s like a clean break. It’s like the bandage has been ripped off. It’s like my brother’s wife Liz is always saying, “when you want to clean something up that’s bad, use bleach, don’t let it fester for a week.” Sure she was referring to a steak sub I’d left out for a month, but the metaphor works here too.

Enjoy the herpes Sarah!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Things You Think You Know About Sarah Marshall

I have too much time on my hands. Also she didn’t sleep with a casting director. I just felt like writing that. But she didn’t. That was satire.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

“A Vampire Defined”

Is that too pretentious? I’m thinking about that as the title for my rock opera. Why?

Okay, hear me out. What is a vampire? A creature that lures you in and then sucks all the life out away. Lets take, oh, Sarah Marshall for example… beautiful, talented, great taste, tight body, smart and always fun to be around. So why the f*ck wouldn’t I fall for that, right?? I mean, I’ve gone over it a million times and there were no signs of what she was capable of.

But I’ve been really looking into this kind of behavior and F*CK if she wasn’t an emotional leech on me for five long years. You want evidence?? OK, here’s the evidence…

All The Things I Accomplished BEFORE Sarah Marshall:
+ Orchestrated a symphony summer series
+ Bought real estate…in Los Angeles
+ Worked my way up the TV music business to a Top Ten show
+ Lost 45 pounds since college
+ Rock hard social life
+ First draft of a damn brilliant rock opera

Things I Accomplished AFTER I Met Sarah Marshall:
- Accompanying Sarah to movie premieres and Hollywood parties
- “Cuddle-time”
- Gained weight
- Boring ‘music’ at same crappy TV show
- Getting stuck on my brilliant rock opera and not EVER being able to move forward or get ANY positive support from one unnamed selfish, emotional vampire who’s opinion meant everything to me.
- Watched Sixteen Candles 38 times.

Five years of gazing into her eyes, wild sex and comfort and security and confidence…all a trap to eventually SUCK the life out of you. that’s what chicks like Sarah Marshall thrive on. I mean why did it take me so long to see it?? Sure the sex was wild and great but who cares about that? That’s just physical comfort. Do I miss it? Maybe. Do I need it? Probably not. Do I feel the pain in my bones from missing so much? Will it fade? I hope it fades because if this feeling doesn’t fade I’m going to freak the f out.

Back to the musical!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Look what I caught on TV last night!

I think I look good, right? I need to take a shower maybe....

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Won't Be Sleeping


Something dawned on me tonight. I think I understand why I haven’t been able to grow creatively and have gotten stuck in my career. My bro pointed this out to me. Granted, I threw the remote at his oversized forehead and kicked him out of the house…but the more I thought about it…

Dating Sarah Marshall is like scoring the music for a crappy TV show. All melody, no harmony!

It’s not real music. It’s just there to make scary people scarier or funny people funnier…or pretty people prettier.

Is that all I was there for? Was to make you prettier? You kept me around because I was the one making your performances pop? Selling you to your fans? Holding your purse while your photograph got wired to every paper and blog in the world? Even though the whole time you knew I wasn’t growing as a musician???

Well forget about it. I’m not letting YOU hold ME back anymore. I’ve got more going on than melody and backup tracks. My rock opera will live…

And Sarah Marshall will not be featured. I’m over you, Sarah Marshall. I am totally over you. And if you call me I will not answer. No matter how many times you call and beg to get back together I will never let you back in. Once this door closes it closes forever. I am at home near the phone and I still won’t answer. Also, I’m not the one calling you and hanging up so stop telling people that lie.

Spread The Sarah Marshall Message Across America!

Ok, so I spent a lot of money on these banners that I have had posted everywhere.

My family and friends have sent me photos of them in their hoods, jeez they are all so worried about me.

So, I thought it would be cool if everyone that reads my blog, posts their favorite ones as well. This way I can see Sarah's engagement ring money going to good use! Just post them here at a photo group I started.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


So the other guy is Aldous Snow from Infant Sorrow...
I mean he is a total douche bag! What are you thinking Sarah?

Monday, March 17, 2008


Hope people have been seeing the billboards that I have put up around town. I think its important everyone knows how much Sarah Marshall SUCKS! How she does look fat in those jeans! How my mom never liked her! How over her I am!

So, I used the money that I spent on her engagement ring to buy every available billboard around town. (That’s right Sarah I was going to propose to you. I was just waiting for the right time. I guess that time is never O’clock in the month of Nev-ruary).

Sarah, I really hope you are un-happy for the rest of your life – that you understand how totally over you I am.

That said, you should call me if you want to talk, I can have these things taken down.

I haven’t called because you said you needed space, that’s what you wanted. But when you say to someone you need time you should be more specific. How much time? Cause I am still waiting, but not for you. Just for things to get better…

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Never thought I would sing this song, thanks Sarah....


So, its been confirmed (from her fansite -, Sarah is dating that douche Aldous Snow from Infant Sorrow.... See the f'ng picture... Thanks for throwing it in my face Sarah!

Saturday Night!

Not sure if you're still reading this or not, Sarah, but last night was my first single night in five years. But even after multiple pitchers of margarita's at our tex mex place, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

When I stumbled home at midnight, I turned on the tv to watch SNL, which was one of my favorite things to do with you. All I could do was think about curling up, kissing your ear and just having you. The show was funny, I love that kid from Superbad, but I am just seriously jonesing for what we were!

You out there boo? I miss you, even though you f'd up!

Saturday, March 15, 2008


Ok, so I didn't sleep at all last night. What is it, I close my eyes, and all I do is think. I never used to think when I closed my eyes, I always used to sleep. My brother told me to chase a tylenol pm with robitussin, and all that did was make me drunk, i didn't use the plastic top... Sheep, Sheep, Sheep and Sheep... Mom that doesn't work either!

I am fine, I am fine... I am going to play with Dracula....

Dracula Always Helps

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Sarah Marshall Hates Me

I feel dizzy.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Beat Me To The Punch

F her. F the sh** out of her. You know I’ve been thinking about it and it’s like five years! You’re just going to throw that away. I guess she is! So it’s all out on the table now. Struggling, insecure, low self-esteem, doesn’t know what she had TV actress Sarah Marshall dumped me last night. yes, the one on the stupid crime TV show with Daniel Baldwin. Or Adam or Billy or Pablo…who the F can keep ‘em straight? She probably screwing ‘em all anyway.

I couldn't sleep at all last night... close the eyes and nothing happens... all i could think about was... well you know....

But for the record, Sarah Marshall no longer loves me and probably never did and has been lying to me for years. I would love to know how long she’s been cheating.

CONTEST: I will pay anybody $500 who can tell me what jackass she left me over. $1000 for photographic evidence. $5000 if she’s naked and I can sell it to Perez Hilton.

(PS: if anybody has any pictures of Sarah, especially with the both of us in them, please email them to me when you can. A computer virus deleted mine at 4am this morning.)

This Sucks

How Do I Feel?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Time Apart

So I guess this’ll come as a shock to a lot of you, but Sarah and I just decided to take some time off.

It’s been five years and though we really, really love each other…that’s all she kept saying -"but you know how much I love you"… I guess this might be for the best for now. This is definitely a break. Who knows? Maybe we’ll end up back together. But right now what we both need is a break. I’ve been feeling it certainly. Like for me to be creatively pure I need to shed all earthly things and that for at least a temporary moment is her.

I need some time to really delve back into my creative work. I mean, I really need to get back to composing stuff that I like…stuff that I’ve put on hold so I could take care of Sarah, pay attention to Sarah, spoil Sarah, love Sarah, cherish Sarah, support Sarah’s career. And I know Sarah could use some time to try and elevate her career. She’s never gonna make the film jump from a B-level TV actress if she only keeps making crappy horror movies.

Anyway…she’s pretty upset. Probably in denial…I hope the press isn’t too hard on her. I really feel bad for her that she’s so in the spot light. I just pity her.

Dracula and I say hello!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Absence Makes The Balls Grow Blue

Sorry to be gross honey, but it does. It’s been almost a month since you have been home for more then a couple of hours and I just haven't been able to sleep well without you. Sometimes I find myself talking aloud to you on the TV show. You've been so busy on set that you've barely had time to talk to me. I feel bad for me. But mainly of course I feel bad for you, busy working 24/7.

But you get home in three days and I have a fantastic weekend planned. I’m going to make my famous veggie steaks, break open a bottle of like super nice syrah, and get 16 Candles warmed up on DVD…and we don’t ever have to leave the bedroom. I hope I can pretend I’m not as horny as I am when you get in the door. I know, I shouldn't talk dirty...

Before you get home, I will clean the house from top to bottom. I also promise to store the puppets I don't use. But you know how it is, so hard to choose among my babies. I am also going to go for a jog after this. I keep meaning to start that exercise routine, but it's hard when I'm so in the head of my Dracula musical.

Love you Sarah, I know you are reading and watching all of these videos :)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

I bought something for you!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

I Love You Sarah

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Hi Baby!

Monday, March 3, 2008

Sarah Marshall Is A Truly Great Actress (And Girlfriend!)

Just got back from the premiere of "AFTER THE TONE" and you rocked!! Seriously f*** the critics, no offense or anything but if you can’t do, you criticize … the killer cell phones were plenty scary. But most importantly … You have made the jump to the big screen!

On the red carpet, there was a point where you turned to me and BAM! you were suddenly lit by a thousand flashbulbs, staring at me with those gorgeous baby blues. Everything froze and I realized…

Man I can’t wait till you get your first Oscar and look out to the audience and thank ME!!

Since I haven't seen you while you have been away shooting, the moments we had together were amazing!